Friday, August 28, 2009

Blessed Are The Lesbians -- by Richard C. Speaks

God's Homophobia part 1 of 3

This shameful prop. 8 business (where my home state, thanks to religious bigotry, voted in favor of discrimination) has got me thinking. And that can be a dangerous thing! Why all the hate? Whatever happened to live and let live?

I remember when all the Fundies were gleefully proclaiming that the AIDS virus was God's divine retribution against homosexuals for being the way they are. I always got a kick out of pointing out to these heavenly haters that: "God must love the lesbians, because they're less likely to catch it. They don't play: 'You pitch -- I catch!' They ain't catching anything! Get it?" They'd usually counter with: "Well, God hates them too!" Does He? I wonder....

I find that women doing women bothers guys a lot less than men doing men. Most of us find women doing women pretty cool. You can even find pictures of women doing women in the pages of Playboy, the classiest of the skin mags. And nobody's complaining. Not even Hef. Almost every straight-sex porno ever made features women doing women somewhere. I checked.

I recently spotted a bumper sticker that read: "Yes, I'm a lesbian. No. You can't watch!" It's like she was reading my mind! Think about it. God's a guy. Right? He gets to see everything that's going on down here. Right? (Nudge. Nudge. Wink. Wink.) Maybe that's why God's always had such a hard-on for gay men. I guess God doesn't like what He's been seeing. Too bad He can't just change the channel if the action bothers Him. Maybe He isn't able to tune it out; being omniscient and all. A raw deal, if you ask me!

The OT is silent on the subject of lesbianism. A holy loophole? It's got plenty to say about men doing men, and none of it is very nice. Men doing men pisses God off big-time!

You will not allow any of your children to be sacrificed to Molech, thus profaning the name of your God. I am Yahweh. You will not have intercourse with a man as you would with a woman. This is a hateful thing. You will not have intercourse with any kind of animal; you would become unclean by doing so. Nor will a woman offer herself to an animal, to have intercourse with it. This would be a violation of nature. Do not make yourselves unclean by any of these practices, for it was by such things that the nations, that I am driving out before you,made themselves unclean. The country has become unclean; hence I am about to punish it for its guilt, and the country itself will vomit out its inhabitants.
LEVITICUS 18:21-25

This would have been a great opportunity for God to bitch out the lesbians, but He neglects to mention them. An oversight, or a divine exemption from on high?

The Epistles make some mention of female perversion, but only in a general sense. Which could mean many other sexual activities besides lesbianism (Several of which come to my dirty mind right now, but let's not go there). Paul's wording is just too vague (as usual), in my not so humble opinion. But Paul was quite specific in regards to male homosexuality.

While they claimed to be wise, in fact they were growing so stupid that they exchanged the glory of the immortal God for an imitation, for the image of a mortal human being, or of birds, or animals, or crawling things. That is why God abandoned them in their inmost cravings to filthy practices of dishonoring their own bodies -- because they exchanged God's truth for a lie and have worshipped and served the creature instead of the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

That is why God abandoned them to degrading passions: why their women have exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural practices; and the men, in a similar fashion, too, giving up normal relations with women, are consumed with passion for each other, men doing shameful things with men and receiving in themselves due reward for their perversion.
ROMANS 1:26,27

I guess all the lesbians of the world can heave a sigh of relief. You're off the heavenly hook, sisters! Women doing women is cool with God, the authors of the Bible, and most men (myself included).

As for you gay guys out there -- bummer, dudes! God's down on you. The Bible tells me so.

And why is that? It's because of the ancient pagan fertility cults of that region; where homosexuality between men, prostitution, orgies, masturbation, music, dancing, and intoxicating libations were all a part of the festivities. And it was all looked upon with reverence among the neighboring nations.

God's chosen people were an uptight island of prudes, surrounded by a sea of pagan passion. The Israelites were often seduced away from the stodgy monotheism of Yahweh/Jehovah. They were probably hedging their bets. That's why the Bible authors called all such practices an abomination. They were losing business!

You spent quite long enough in the past living the sort of life that gentiles choose to live, behaving in a debauched way, giving way to your passions, drinking to excess, having wild parties and drunken orgies and sacrilegiously worshipping false gods.

Want to know what all this fuss is really about? It's about sperm. The ancients believed that a man's seed created babies, and that the womb was nothing more than a nifty incubator. Spilling one's seed upon the ground, or in any manner unrelated to procreation, was a grave sin, akin to infanticide, according to Levitical Law. It was also akin to paganism, which was a threat to the priests of Yahweh.

Among the pagans, such an act would be deemed a special offering to the Earth Mother. Jacking off was the Pharaoh's sacred duty, to usher in the annual flooding of the Nile. He was symbolically knocking up Mother Earth. Yahweh says, ‘That’s my job!’ Hands off yourselves, men! It's a dirty evil sin, deserving of death! It will also damage your optic nerves, and give you hairy palms! Scary shit, friends!

Monty Python said it best: “Every sperm is sacred! Every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!”

Judah took a wife for his first born, Er, and her name was Tamar. But Er, Judah’s first born, offended Yahweh, and Yahweh killed him. Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Take your brother’s wife, and do your duty as her brother-in-law, to maintain your brother’s line.’ But Onan, knowing that the line would not count as his, spilt his seed on the ground every time he slept with his brother’s wife, to avoid providing offspring for his brother. What he did was offensive to Yahweh, who killed him too.
GENESIS 38:6-10

Onan sounded like a selfish prick to me. Tamar should'a put the punk in a scissor-lock until he screamed, and gave up the baby-batter. More on Tamar to come. Pun intended.

I imagine most harem masters of old were tolerant of any girl on girl action going on amongst the concubines. It probably made harem-life more entertaining, and smoothed out a lot of friction.

No seed was wasted. No sin was committed. Matter closed. But the spilling of seed in a non-reproduction-oriented manner equals witchcraft in the eyes of jealous Yahweh. Looks like we’re all a bunch of filthy pagans in one way or another! And we didn’t even know it!

My apologies to any practicing pagans, homosexuals, and hookers out there. Lez be friends!


If you haven't seen Monty Python's "Every Sperm Is Sacred" musical number here's your chance. A true classic!


Anonymous said...

Oh you are so funny, and perceptive also!

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